Nothing will fuck up your twenties more than thinking you’re supposed to have your shit together.

My younger sister sent me a picture of that quote the other day and its true. I believe I am the only one who has no idea what they’re supposed to be doing, everyone else seems to have it altogether but is that because I’m looking at their life through Facebook, Twitter and Instagram; all social media sites but they appear perfect. Maybe that’s my problem, I look at all these pictures and posts of people my age going out having a great time, partying, spending time with friends and making memories and I’m sat here, with nothing to do, writing this blog. But as sad as it sounds, I don’t have any friends, I never really have. I’ve always been that person who was good for the in between times but never for the long run, clearly I’m doing something wrong as I am the common denominator.

Since I was little, I always longed for a best friend, a best friend that never left my side, some one who became part of my family to the point where we were practically inseparable; I haven’t found that friend. I am someone who is insanely loyal and that is my hardest struggle because I have never found anyone as loyal as me. I had a group of girl friends, they knew I wasn’t always in a great place but I never let that affect any situation and if I wasn’t feeling great I just wouldn’t go meet them so that I didn’t spoil the event. When I got put onto anti-depressants, I waited a couple weeks until I told them individually, (which was a huge thing for me) and they all responded pretty similarly which wasn’t supportive but more ‘ahh, thats good’ I didn’t want a massive fuss, I just wanted to know that if something bad were to happen then I’d have someone to turn too. Just under a year ago, they all fell out with me, as a group and told me that when I’d sorted myself out then maybe I could talk to them and be friends again. It hurt and I’d be lying if I said it still didn’t. Just as I was coming to terms with my depression, it just got thrown back in my face and I feel embarrassed about it.

My mum wants me to join a club, a band or even internet date (I don’t think I’m ready for that yet, haha), something where I can make friends and have a social life but I can’t. I am so afraid because ‘that’ best friend doesn’t exist even though I have stopped fixating on it, don’t worry and all of my friends have left me, who is to say that won’t happen again as it has happened continuously throughout my life.

On a positive; I did book my TEFL course today so hopefully next summer I can go travelling and teach English then September 2015, providing I get into uni, I will start studying again. The only thing that is sad about it is that I have no one to share it with. I could post it all over my social sites but why would I want people to pretend they care or give an interest when they haven’t spoken to me in years and if it wasn’t for my profile picture, then they would have most likely have forgotten what I looked like.

I am proud that I am beginning to follow my dreams, seeing that I can do them instead of always thinking… maybe one day. If that one day isn’t today then that day may never be and I will only live in regret. You do just have to deal with stuff and move on. 

I just want to be someone, to mean something to anyone…

A couple of months ago I started a new job, a job in an office. Something completely different and new to anything I had ever done before but I saw it as a foot in the door into maybe a normal life with normal hours. I had been working in a restaurant for a year as a supervisor, the hours were awful, I was always tired, had no life and wanted out; I got out and funnily enough not much has changed. 

Last night, I went for a meal with my new work colleagues and felt completely out of place and so alone. After the meal, I went for a couple drinks with them until I felt it was appropriate to leave. On the way to the taxi rank, all I could think about was ‘where do I fit in’ ‘if I didn’t return home, who would actually be bothered’ ‘who are my friends’ and the answers to those questions are; 1. I have no idea; I don’t fit in with anyone, I never really have so clearly there is something wrong with me. 2. no-one and 3. I actually don’t have any. Not any that I could talk too or randomly call on. I feel so lost and don’t know where to go from here.

I have been focusing on my weight too and lost 16lbs but this week I have just gone completely off track and eaten badly because it feels like the only I can do. Food does make you feel better at the time but in the long run its not worth it because in hindsight it doesn’t make me feel better but makes me feel worse. 

I know that eventually I want to be a teacher, so I know that to do that I have to go to uni, therefore this job is just a stop gap to save money. I need to get out of the town I live in. I should start focusing on losing weight again as it does make me feel slightly better and when I go to the gym it wastes time as after work I don’t have anything better to do. I suppose if I focus on these goals, I might start being that bit more positive in myself. Its so hard to focus on the positives when I just can’t seem to figure out what they truly are. I am no use to anyone and make no impact on anything. If it doesn’t change soon, I have no idea what I will do.

 

‘Sometimes the bad things that happen in our lives put us directly on the path to the best things that will happen to us’

I am 22 years old and this blog is going to be my story. It’s not necessarily for anyone to read but it’s for me to try and express myself so that I can begin to understand why I am who I am, hopefully I will fall in love with her.

When I was 15, something happened, I don’t 100% understand what but it was something and it changed me. I don’t know why but it sucks. I have finally come to terms with suffering from depression and I don’t speak to anyone about it because it’s for me to deal with. I always worry that if I were to tell someone then they would either think that I was making it up for attention or feel sorry for me and I don’t want any of that. I have seen psychologists and counselors but they don’t help because they speak to you in generic terms and everyones story is different. There is a lot that I am not happy with but if I continue thinking the way I do, my twenties will fly by, then my thirties and my forties. It is hard focusing on the positives when you’re constantly a ‘half glass empty‘ but if I don’t start now, nothing will ever change. I am searching for something I know that but what that ‘something‘ actually is I haven’t quite figured out. I am scared and it’s funny because if you met me you’d probably think I was the most outgoing, confident human there ever was; unfortunately I’m not. I hope that one day I can really be that person and not have to pretend but things take time and in life there are no quick fixes, I have tried the lot.

Today, I am having one of those days and I honestly have no one to turn too. Hopefully this will help me and maybe others to see that ‘there is light at the end of the tunnel.‘