A couple of months ago I started a new job, a job in an office. Something completely different and new to anything I had ever done before but I saw it as a foot in the door into maybe a normal life with normal hours. I had been working in a restaurant for a year as a supervisor, the hours were awful, I was always tired, had no life and wanted out; I got out and funnily enough not much has changed.
Last night, I went for a meal with my new work colleagues and felt completely out of place and so alone. After the meal, I went for a couple drinks with them until I felt it was appropriate to leave. On the way to the taxi rank, all I could think about was ‘where do I fit in’ ‘if I didn’t return home, who would actually be bothered’ ‘who are my friends’ and the answers to those questions are; 1. I have no idea; I don’t fit in with anyone, I never really have so clearly there is something wrong with me. 2. no-one and 3. I actually don’t have any. Not any that I could talk too or randomly call on. I feel so lost and don’t know where to go from here.
I have been focusing on my weight too and lost 16lbs but this week I have just gone completely off track and eaten badly because it feels like the only I can do. Food does make you feel better at the time but in the long run its not worth it because in hindsight it doesn’t make me feel better but makes me feel worse.
I know that eventually I want to be a teacher, so I know that to do that I have to go to uni, therefore this job is just a stop gap to save money. I need to get out of the town I live in. I should start focusing on losing weight again as it does make me feel slightly better and when I go to the gym it wastes time as after work I don’t have anything better to do. I suppose if I focus on these goals, I might start being that bit more positive in myself. Its so hard to focus on the positives when I just can’t seem to figure out what they truly are. I am no use to anyone and make no impact on anything. If it doesn’t change soon, I have no idea what I will do.
learntoloveyourselfsophie 